I’m starting to get worried. If Kaley Cuoco’s happiness levels remain in the elevated state they’ve been in since her manager introduced her to the random guy she now loves so much she could tear off a limb out of sheer exuberance, she might succumb to takotsubo cardiomyopathy (a condition I learned about after Googling “can you die of happiness”). If sources close to Kaley Cuoco are out there, please get her to the hospital — right after you finish talking to Us Weekly about how it’s almost surreal to Kaley Cuoco how perfect her life is right now!
I’m not sure if you heard, but Kaley Cuoco and her random boyfriend Tom Pelphrey are having a child together, and they’re so over the moon with happiness about the whole situation that all of the air has been forcefully sucked out of their lungs and they are on track to die of suffocation in the next minute or so. “Kaley and Tom are deliriously happy right now, they’re living out this real-life fairy tale and it just keeps on getting better and better,” sources close to the couple told Us Weekly in October. And are you worried that Cuoco and Pelphrey may have given the sources closest to them a different idea of their fairy-tale-like delirious joy in the intervening months? Well, worry not. It’s actually almost surreal to them how perfect their fairy tale life is right now.
“They’re trying not to get too far ahead of themselves but everything’s unfolding like a fairy tale,” sources told Us Weekly today. “It’s almost surreal to them how perfect their life is right now.”
Why so surreal? Well, you see — these sources, they think that Kaley Cuoco and her random boyfriend might get engaged soon. Gosh, if I weren’t so deliriously happy for Cuoco myself I’d be overcome with jealousy and rage at her abundant good fortune and perfect life that is unfolding exactly the way the gods of love intended.
“Kaley and Tom are the first to admit their journey has been a real whirlwind, but they wouldn’t change a single thing about how it’s all unfolded,” the insider said, to which we can only reply no duh. “They’re two incurable romantics who fell in love at first sight. The relationship has evolved quickly but in a very deep and meaningful way, and they’ve got no doubts at all that they’re soulmates who belong together.”
And, listen — we all have no doubts about whether Kaley Cuoco and her random boyfriend are soulmates who belong together. And it’s not a contest, ha-ha, like obviously we’re not competing, LOL, but if we were competing about who had the least doubts about whether Kaley Cuoco and her random boyfriend are soulmates who belong together, and about how even though their journey has been a real whirlwind it’s unfolded perfectly and we wouldn’t change a single thing about it? Well. I just feel like the only reason why I wouldn’t win the contest is because Kaley and Tom would win the contest themselves. And that level of happiness would almost certainly kill them.